Archive for miscarriage

Family planning…

Posted in Mommy stuff with tags , , on July 18, 2009 by talesofanunfinishedmom

Why is it that just when you think you’ve made peace with something, you question it all over again? Or, perhaps that’s just me.  I am notorious for not being able to make a decision. PB (my tolerant husband) always jokes “as long as there’s an out, you’re in.”  There’s a lot of truth to that.

But, to be fair, deciding whether or not to try and have a second child is a huge decision. Epic, really. I know that there are people everywhere having children every day and not obsessing over it the way I am, but, I bet most of those folks are not of advanced maternal age (or in my case, way past it).

When Ellie was born, I figured that I’d be ready to try again, IF I was going to try again, when she turned one. But, that year went by way too fast and frankly, after 3 miscarriages and 9 months of *morning* sickness, I wasn’t nearly ready to a) jump back in and b)move my attention away from my baby after trying for so long to have her. So, I set a new goal — by the time Ellie turned two. By then,  CLEARLY  I would know what to do. And, if I still wasn’t ready by then, well, we’d try to just be happy with our one.

Well, guess what, the second year went by even FASTER! 

Now she is 2 1/2 and I’m not kidding when I say that I’ve literally changed my mind about 10 times since the beginning of the year. “I’m done. No more.” “Maybe we could try again?” “Maybe we’ll adopt.” And, on and on and on.

The thing is, I’m not sure I have the energy. It’s not easy managing a full-time career and an active toddler. I’m also pretty poor – at least by San Francisco standards. I can’t imagine how we’d afford a second child (not to mention where we’d put him/her.)  I also can’t imagine going through morning sickness again. UGH. I had it with each and every one of my pregnancies — even those that ended in miscarriage. 

But, frankly, none of these rational arguments help an ovulating Mom when she sees the tender cradle of a newborn nuzzled into his Mommy’s busom, or when I see my beloved toddler play with her *babies* day after day after day as I look on pondering what a great older sister she’d be. During these moments I end up right back at square one.

At some point, though, biology is going to take over and make a decision for me. I’ve never been a gambler but I find myself gambling with this choice. I can only hope that if we do move forward, that the roulette game plays to our advantage. And if not, that I can finally find peace with our little family — perfect in its own right.

Ellie_Mommy_Daddy_June_Chrissy Field.