When it’s hard to be zen…

Yesterday I received some potentially alarming news.  Ok, so maybe not alarming, but, definitely concerning.

A routine medical test I’ve taken for years without issue has turned up a questionable result. The kind of result that stops you dead in your tracks as you try not to imagine the worst. The kind of result that sends you rushing to “Dr. Google” to search for answers to said questionable result.

I know these kinds of questionable results can often mean nothing. I’ve had ambiguous results on tests before.  But, this is different.  An unfavorable outcome on this particular test would change my immediate landscape and foward-moving path for an undetermined amount of time.

I don’t know how to factor my statistical outcome but simply looking at genetics and overall health, I have reason to not overworry. And, I’ve been trying to do that. Trying to put it out of my head until I can get further tests. Unfortunately, every second feels like a minute and every minute feels like an hour and let’s not even get into what the hours feel like. I have far too many of them between now and when I get my next round of tests.

I’ve often told my husband over the years that I’ve always had this sense that I wouldn’t live beyond 50 years old.  I’ve said it only a handful of times but far too many for him.  Even though I do have a bit of a flair for the dramatic,  I am not so sure what I’ve been basing such an outrageous statement on. And,  since I’ve become a Mom, I’ve really tried to steer my thinking away from such morbid places.

If anything, I’ve become more positive about my overall health and general statistical outcome for longevity as of late. That all came crashing down yesterday when even the slightest doubt was placed in my head.

This morning I popped into the drugstore to pick up some vitamins. Cuz, damnit, even if something were to be seriously wrong, I’m still taking my vitamins!  As I make my way to the back of the store to the pharmacy area, I pass through the aisle that contains all of the greeting cards. For a moment I pause to think about any forthcoming birthdays that I should consider but decide I’m in no frame of mind to stop and shop for birthday cards. As I’m whizzing by the cards, out of the corner of my eye I see this word – CANCER. It immediately catches my eye and I notice a small section of cancer support cards. I’ve been to this Walgreens a million times and NEVER remembering seeing that section.

Is it a sign? Or, am I just more sensitive and noticing this for the first time because it is so on my mind.  

All I know is that the next 76 hours are going to be long ones.  But, at least at the end of it all, I’ll have an answer. For better or worse, I’ll have answer. I sure hope it’s for the better because I can’t bear to think about my not being 100%  there for my child for any length of time – my little girl who needs me healthy and strong for many years to come!

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One Response to “When it’s hard to be zen…”

  1. My mom has always said she’s going to die young. She’s turning 60 this year, and I hope she’s wrong. I’m glad you’re OK.

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