Lately…

When I started this blog, I didn’t fully anticipate how hard keeping it up would be. I didn’t anticipate that I would have writer’s block more often than not, that I would start and not finish a multitude of posts, or that I would have trouble thinking of things to write about.

This is especially surprising considering all the years I kept journals. Actually, come to think of it, there were big blocks of time where I didn’t write in those either. But, it certainly was never because I couldn’t THINK of anything to write. It was more because life was on an upswing and who writes in their journal when everything is going splendidly? You’re too busy enjoying all the splendor to stop and record your thoughts and experiences. No, my most prolific journal entries came when life was on a downswing — primarily as it relates to relationships with members of the opposite sex. When drama is in full swing, so seems to be the writing.

The complete drama and self-absorption that is the essence of being a teen, the dependence on this or that boy’s interest to boost my self-esteem — blecch. I couldn’t even bear to write those kinds of things now. And, even if I could, the only place I’d ever feel safe to record them would be in a very private journal that was kept  under lock and key and certain not open to public viewing and scrutiny!

Even though I’m not technically writing for an audience and have discovered that I’m actually a bit shy about attention, I do feel pressure to write about interesting topics or heck, just be interesting.  I’ve discovered that people are actually finding and reading my blog even though I don’t really link to it anywhere. That vulnerability kind of freaks me out.

Writing for the sake of writing, as if no one is reading, has proven to be really hard for me.

And, it really sucks.

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