Family planning…

Why is it that just when you think you’ve made peace with something, you question it all over again? Or, perhaps that’s just me.  I am notorious for not being able to make a decision. PB (my tolerant husband) always jokes “as long as there’s an out, you’re in.”  There’s a lot of truth to that.

But, to be fair, deciding whether or not to try and have a second child is a huge decision. Epic, really. I know that there are people everywhere having children every day and not obsessing over it the way I am, but, I bet most of those folks are not of advanced maternal age (or in my case, way past it).

When Ellie was born, I figured that I’d be ready to try again, IF I was going to try again, when she turned one. But, that year went by way too fast and frankly, after 3 miscarriages and 9 months of *morning* sickness, I wasn’t nearly ready to a) jump back in and b)move my attention away from my baby after trying for so long to have her. So, I set a new goal — by the time Ellie turned two. By then,  CLEARLY  I would know what to do. And, if I still wasn’t ready by then, well, we’d try to just be happy with our one.

Well, guess what, the second year went by even FASTER! 

Now she is 2 1/2 and I’m not kidding when I say that I’ve literally changed my mind about 10 times since the beginning of the year. “I’m done. No more.” “Maybe we could try again?” “Maybe we’ll adopt.” And, on and on and on.

The thing is, I’m not sure I have the energy. It’s not easy managing a full-time career and an active toddler. I’m also pretty poor – at least by San Francisco standards. I can’t imagine how we’d afford a second child (not to mention where we’d put him/her.)  I also can’t imagine going through morning sickness again. UGH. I had it with each and every one of my pregnancies — even those that ended in miscarriage. 

But, frankly, none of these rational arguments help an ovulating Mom when she sees the tender cradle of a newborn nuzzled into his Mommy’s busom, or when I see my beloved toddler play with her *babies* day after day after day as I look on pondering what a great older sister she’d be. During these moments I end up right back at square one.

At some point, though, biology is going to take over and make a decision for me. I’ve never been a gambler but I find myself gambling with this choice. I can only hope that if we do move forward, that the roulette game plays to our advantage. And if not, that I can finally find peace with our little family — perfect in its own right.

Ellie_Mommy_Daddy_June_Chrissy Field.

6 Responses to “Family planning…”

  1. Cheryl Dewland Says:

    Thanks for sharing that … How awesome that you can share your thoughts and feelings in such an open and honest way. Having only one son who (as you know) is 17 and almost out in the world… I have often looked back and wished he has his own “peer” in the household, and one other person who would grow loving him with the shared understanding of the dysfunction of the “Dewland Clan” as he grows older. But as a mother who also had to work, a second child was too tough a call. Question: Are you not able to potentially freeze your eggs until a later time? If so, you should consider that route and make 5 the cut off time for Ellie. In the meantime…
    GET A PUPPY!! See how the nights of no sleep and extra needed attention fit into your lives, and it will add some fun and a special companion into Ellie’s world too. But that’s just me…. the animal lover and one to take a short cut when I can in the name of sleep. But TAZ WAS a great childhood buddy for Tyler ( but YES only to some extent).
    Good Luck, I will stay tuned…

  2. Ok OK its me again finding it hard to stop clicking on the next blog Laughs…
    As I have found your other blogs, this too was easy to read and relate to and therefore entertaining at least from an interested follower of your journey… Like a good novel it is hard to stop turning the pages to see what happens next, capturing your readers attention and interest is indeed a talent you possess (even if unknown to you)
    Chuckles I’m making this the last of your blogs I will read…Today! I don’t want to appear like some creepy blog stalker.. laughs…

    Many blessings on your families journey may happiness be a constant companion to you all…

    … Chris …

    • talesofanunfinishedmom Says:

      Hi Chris,

      Thank you for all of the heartfelt and flattering comments on my blog posts! How did you find my blog?

      My best to you,

  3. I came by your blog purely by chance while doing a google search…
    I have really enjoyed your posts, while they relay your journey there is so much we all can relate to and enjoy…
    Looking forward to reading more and thank you once again for sharing…

    … Chris …

  4. You have just stated EVERY reason I feel for the struggle between having one and not – can’t wait to click on the header to find out what you decided!

    • talesofanunfinishedmom Says:

      Hi Mama Gigi! Thanks for stopping by. You may have figured out by now that we only have one still and I think that is how things will be–mostly by necessity. I would be lying if I said I’d made peace with it. It’s a sadness I feel much of the time. I’m just trying to make the best life for my daughter I possibly can and hopefully, at some point, I’ll feel OK with it and so will she. Good luck to you. It’s not an easy decision!

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